Friday, July 29, 2011

The spectre of failure at Andover FC

Who’s the B****** in the white

Petersfield Town Football Club’s friendly against Andover Football Club has been cancelled as the opposition declare they didn’t have a ghost of a chance.

PTFC were due to play Andover next Tuesday, but the match had to be called off with the club being dissolved and going to the extraordinary lengths of calling in an exorcist.

When taking on this sort of role, one would expect there to be a few skeletons in the closet, but things were much worse at Andover.

The demised club’s recently appointed Chairman Terry Fyed told news reporters: “During the last three weeks many ghosts have appeared out of cupboards.”

This can’t have made life easy at the club, with staff and players running around screaming and Fyed reaffirmed:  “I find this totally unacceptable and will not work in this kind of environment.”

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Bird-brained plan

Finger lickin' good, and that was just the pole-dancing club

Residents could pay a heavy, finger-lickin’ price after the ex-White Hart was snubbed in this year’s Petersfield In Bloom.

Owner Max Prophet has come up with a zinger of a plan to hit back at the ‘floral snobs’ who overlooked his ‘Victorian wild meadow’ effort to win the top horticultural accolade.

“How can someone with a couple of dried up window boxes beat my offering?” he moaned. “My installation has been described by professionals as akin to a vertical Kew Gardens, put in place for the delight of the Petersfield public.”

But Prophet has sworn vengeance on the town and has come up with a nightmare scenario.

“At first I considered turning the White Hart into a lap-dancing club, with massage parlour upstairs,” he revealed in an exclusive Newswire interview. “But then I realised that most members of PRAT (Petersfield Residents Against Things) would actually be it’s biggest customers – albeit by sneaking in the back door, so to speak.

“Then I hit on a scheme to really bring shame on the area. I can’t say too much about it but it’s a joint project with a certain Colonel from, er, Kentucky and it will give me revenge by the bucketload…bargain buckets, you might say.”

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Such a let down

One of Bojangles' 18-year-old students models some regulation
Bojangles School pants during a disciplinary hearing last year

Al Truist, the Headteacher of Petersfield’s Bojangles School is livid following the recent news that saw the school’s name muddied in the nation’s press.

The scandal has seen news of a stolen whisky-fuelled, sand-covered sex romp splashed across all the nation’s newspapers with the exception of the Financial Times.

Truist had originally defended the actions of the children involved, stating unapologetically that sex, drugs and rock & roll are on the school curriculum, so Newswire  was confused as to what could be making him so angry...

“I have now seen the photograph that the press have used” blurted Truist. The Headteacher was referring to the image that Newswire had used last week.

“They’ve let me down, they’ve let their parents down, they’ve let Bojangles down, they’ve let themselves down and clearly that’s not all they’ve let down...

“If I’ve told them once, I’ve told them a thousand times – all girls must wear standard blue school knickers, no other colour is permissible.”

Monday, July 25, 2011

Deery me

Howling Mad Murdoch, centre rear, – sent to prison
for a crime he didn’t commit … we can but hope

Petersfield residents are still coming to terms with the part the town played in one of the nation’s biggest current news stories.

Earlier in the week three people were seen riding around the town square for their own pleasure on young deer – yet denied they were aware of their actions nor would they take responsibility for them.

One witness said: “There were two blokes: that Mr Burns from The Simpsons and a geeky looking fella who I assumed to be his son. There was also a younger woman who I believe was Crystal Tipps from the popular children’s show of the 1980s, though her hair was a very strange colour.

“They carried on trotting around the square on these young deer and didn’t seem to care about hurting them or anybody else. It was outrageous. I did alert the police but they weren’t interested.”

Indeed, a police spokesman confirmed that no action would be taken.

Speaking with his hands over his eyes and large bits of cotton wool in his ears, the policeman said: “There is absolutely no evidence of any fawn hacking whatsoever."

Crystal Tipps, shown here with her pet dog, Cameron,
has been implicated in fawn hacking

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Stabbing ‘not news'

Hampshire's air ambulance 

A stabbing in Petersfield Square was not considered news by both the town’s major newspapers.

Despite a man in his 20s being airlifted to hospital by helicopter from the Avenue playing fields - and a 35-year-old man being arrested as police launched an investigation into an ‘attempted murder’ - both the Petersfield Proust and Petersfield Harold decided to ignore the incident on their websites today.

The Proust decided to lead on its own charity fundraising efforts with the stunning headline ‘Foundation safe for another year’, while the Harold opted for the big junior sports day at Liss.

A media spokesman said: “Local people aren’t interested in all this violent behaviour – even when it happens in the Square at 5 in the afternoon and the police seal it off for hours.

“No, what they want is bland stuff about charities and schools that – more importantly – can be sent in to us by contributors so that none of our non-existent reporters actually have to leave the office.”

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The drugs issues were so last year

 One of Bojangles sandpits yesterday

Petersfield’s Bojangles School has hit the news again after a sex-fuelled romp by 13-year-old students was splashed across the national papers.

It is claimed several children indulged in a sex-crazed orgy in the school sandpit after drinking whisky stolen from Waitrose.

Head teacher Al Truist asked Newswire to emphasise the whisky came from Waitrose.

He said: “We have a long-standing relationship with Waitrose, and I wouldn’t want the public to think that our students obtain their commodities from any other Petersfield store.”

When quizzed on the sandpit-alcohol-fuelled-sex romp he didn’t seem at all surprised or worried.

He added: “It’s all about the kind of clientele we are trying to attract; we pride ourselves here at Bojangles in moulding the students’ necessary life skills – the qualities they will need as they venture out into the big wide world.

“These requirements vary from establishment to establishment, but here we have to cater for the needs of the progeny of the rich and famous.

“Jude Law is one of our current group of high profile parents and former pupils have included model Sophie Dahl, actor Daniel Day-Lewis and pop star Lily Allen.

“It is simply not enough to tutor these people how to make clay pots ... Sex and drugs and rock and roll definitely need to be on the syllabus and these pupils were simply involved in a ‘practical’.”

Friday, July 15, 2011

Blooming marvellous

 The stunning display at what was the White Hart

‘Petersfield in Bloom’ judges may have a difficult decision to make when deciding this year’s winners - unbelievable really when nearly all townsfolk thought the matter was going to be a mere formality.

The facade of The Ill Intent is such a splendid splash of colour this year that presenting the coveted award to anyone else did seem as though it would be a complete travesty.

The transformation of the front of the popular pub has been achieved in the worrying knowledge that the building could have been levelled at any time to make way for a Roman excavation.

But, there’s a new kid on the block.

What was once a rival pub, The White Hart has turned itself into a vertical garden and is a fantastic display of greenery with a splash of colour in the way of roses to set off the ivy. Even the ‘for sale’ signs have been removed to enhance the effect.

A passing Charlie Dimmock, who has struggled to find work on the telly lately, acknowledged the quality of the building. The bra-less dibber said: “This is architectural gardening of the highest order. You need to consider the healthy and vigorous growth and the fantastic form.

 Dimmock, trying to get somebody interested
in her water features
“This type of structural display doesn’t just happen, it takes years of planning and I understand the owners have been insistent that nobody parks anywhere near to the greenery to ensure healthy growth.

“This is a real ‘tour de force’; gardeners will come from miles around to see this.

“Do you know how I can get hold of the owners? Firstly I really think this display would benefit from a water feature here at the front. Secondly I need to speak to somebody about the clamp on my car...”

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The worthy and the not so worthy

 A fit young thing working out in front of Verily Fitt’s inspirational poster at her gym

A husband and wife team who run Adam's Jewellers in Petersfield are set to holiday in Tanzania later this month, and will climb Kilimanjaro while they are there.

Verily Fitt (39) told reporters: "I'm incredibly fit; I row, use the stepper and go to the gym every day. I hear the chaps who come into the jewellers say ‘She's fit’, and did I mention that I'm still in my thirties?"

Verily's husband, Otto B. Fitt, has also been in training. "I take my dog for a walk on Butser Hill most days; that should see me all right,” he said.

"I know it's not as steep, not anywhere near as high and that it hardly constitutes as altitude training, but I'm sure I will be fine. I only start to wheeze as I get near to the top.

"If for some reason I struggle, Verily has said she will carry me the rest of the way. She's trained at the gym, and on the stepper and on a rowing machine and everything. She trains every day you know. She's properly fit."

The husband-and-wife team decided that while they were holidaying in Tanzania, they might as well raise some money for a very worthy cause, Research into Crohn's Disease. They have also decided to give half of the money they raise to Petersfield's The Big School (TBS).

We asked the pair why they were not giving all the money to the worthy cause.

Verily Fitt told us: "If you think I'm fit now you should have seen me when I was a student at TBS. I was forever winning prizes for sports events.

"All I lived for was going up and collecting prizes and I want our children to have that same opportunity, so we will be donating a selection of trophies to the school.

"When I say I will be donating, we are hoping for enough sponsorship to pay for the trophies obviously.

“By donating half of the money to a properly worthy cause we hope more people will actually sponsor us.

"Every evening when our children return home from school they walk down our hallway and pass all of the awards I won as a student. I want them to win a few awards of their own, then they shouldn’t have to feel so embarrassed.”

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hardly middle of the road

 A road just north of Leigh Park

Petersfield's Pulens Lane, despite being resurfaced, is still without road markings.

The road is used pretty much as a dual-carriageway by traffic travelling between Chichester and the A3 north of Petersfield.

At times the traffic on Pulens Lane can be quite heavy with motorcycles and white vans overtaking in both directions.

Without road markings the drivers could arguably be excused for thinking the road is indeed a dual-carriageway, whereas the speed limit is actually only 30mph.

Doug Gonnit, speaking on behalf of Hampshire County Council, defended the position. He said: "We will be painting lines on the road, but at present we have nobody qualified to carry out the task.

"Earlier this year we were forced to lay off Lionel de Rhodes; he was our expert and had applied the white paint for the last 25 years.

"We thought this would be a low-impact cut, saving money for the department, but we have since discovered that his was a very skilled and important role.

"One of de Rhodes' main tasks used to be ensuring the double yellow lines around town were kept well painted, but since these are no longer used we thought we could do without him."

Newswire has acquired a photo of the training area where de Rhodes’ successor is being put through his paces (see above) and it looks like it could be sometime before he is allowed out and about in Petersfield.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Tunnel vision for contractors

Heading north, on yer bike son 
The grand opening of the Hindhead tunnel, long awaited to ease congestion on the A3 between Petersfield and Guildford, is to be delayed.

Work has progressed ahead of schedule and until recently it was thought the tunnel might actually open as early as July 6, 2011, a full month ahead of the original target date.

The main fabric of the tunnel was actually finished months ago and it has been a series of health and safety checks and tweaks that have delayed its use.

The Health and Safety executive and the Highways Agency have insisted that a number of “enhancements” be made before the public are permitted to use the tunnel.

The enforced changes have meant that cables had to be fitted for lights, warning lights, emergency warning lights, signals, signal lights, emergency power systems, heating system, de-icing systems, communications systems, reserve communications systems, operating cameras, security cameras and a coffee machine at the half-way point.

Piping has also had to be fitted for air ducts, smoke ducts, reserve air ducts, sprinkler systems, back-up sprinkler systems and badgers (a compromise deal with Badgerwatch UK ).

The list ran to 754 additional requirements and the additional gadgetry has been housed in thick stainless steel tubes to protect it should there be a crash, fire, flood, earthquake or other disaster.

Dave Reckonin, in charge of the project, said: “We have satisfied all of the additional safety requirements, the additional equipment has been tested and is functioning correctly. Unfortunately the additional piping has reduced the width and headroom in both the northbound and southbound tunnels. The net result is that when the tunnel opens, sometime later this month, only cyclists and motorcyclists will be able to use it.

“Cars and lorries will be diverted through Bordon.”

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Lofty Conversion

 High winds tear the plastic uncovering the alterations

The Catholic church in Station Road, Petersfield is undergoing something of a conversion.

High above the town under green plastic sheets, the church, most famous as the regular haunt of Alec Guiness (and that was before he died) is undergoing alterations to bring it in line with the needs of the 21st century.

With congregations dwindling, the Catholic church has taken drastic measures to keep a foothold in the town.

Father Dan X Pected said: "I know this will prove controversial, but the alternative was to close down the church or lease it to Starbucks who are looking to set up a cafe in town, and surely we have more than enough of those.

"I have agreed to lease a large part of the building to a well-known food outlet which plans to turn the main body of the church into a drive-through restaurant.

"My congregation, as part of the deal, will still get to use the vestry for our own services and the Lady Chapel at Christmas and Easter.

“We in turn will have more stale bread than my congregation will be able to eat and a special blackberry thick-shake thing, that I am told I will be able to use instead of wine.

"I remind you of a famous parable, the feeding of the five thousand - Matthew 14:15-21. The Lord would not have his people go hungry and this way cheap food will always be available.”

C D Bunn, in charge of premises procurement for the fast food chain, could hardly contain his delight.

"We all know how difficult it would be to get planning permission within the South Downs National Park  boundary, let alone for a fast food restaurant, so this is something of a coup. What can I say, I’m lovin’ it!”

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

What's all shish then

I went to the dentist. He said: “Say Aaah.”
I said: “Why?” He said: “My dog's died.”

A kebeb van owner has failed in his attempt to obtain a license to sell food in Petersfield’s town square from midnight until 1am on Saturdays and Sundays.

The application made by Whezma Spanyul, owner of the Just Like That kebab van, was made on the basis that it is everybody’s basic human right to have food. He argued: “As young people leave the town’s pubs after a night’s drinking they should have the opportunity to buy wholesome food, init peeps.”

Kebab van fare is already available from an incumbent van which parks in the square and is licensed to trade until midnight on Friday and Saturday nights.

The existing kebab van has however been caught flouting the law and trading beyond midnight. The owner is now being watched very closely to ensure he keeps to the strict 12 o’clock deadline.

Spanyul believes he has a chance of ousting the existing van and had hoped to steal a march on his competitor by getting a license for an extra hour.

Petersfield Town Council released a statement saying: “The request from Mr Spanyul has been turned down. Whilst it could be argued that there is a requirement for wholesome and nutritional food, this van can hardly be described as offering any on its menu.”

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Petersfield's pizza posters pasta joke admits Justice Secretary

A typical Petersfield doormat this morning ...
the lower end of town clearly

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke is to push an act through Parliament which will allow householders in Petersfield to bludgeon to death anybody delivering pizza menus through their door.

The veteran minister, who first served in a Tory government in the 19th century, wants to ensure householders are not prosecuted for violently killing anybody trespassing on their property.

And the latest addition to the proposed white paper, relating to pizza leaflets in Petersfield, follows a direct appeal from the local MP, Damian Hindsight.

Hindsight explained: “At my weekly surgery in Petersfield there are always three things that crop up more than any other: the excessive amounts of pizza leaflets delivered through people’s door; teenagers who wear their trousers halfway down their buttocks; and the lack of a good juggler on Britain’s Got Talent.

“The Justice Secretary’s proposal will allow residents to use ‘reasonable force’ against anybody found delivering pizza leaflets – and anybody who lives in Petersfield knows that ‘reasonable force’ will just about cover anything as far as this goes.

“Only last week an elderly man had his leg crushed when a pile of pizza leaflets in his hallway tumbled over and pinned him to the wall. Clearly those responsible should be beaten to within the thick cheese-filled crust of their life. And made to provide complimentary potato wedges for life with every order over £15 – Tuesdays only. Does not apply to home delivery.

“We will, however, protect the right of the entrepreneurial barista to charge up to £5 for a cup of coffee in the town.”

Clarke told the House of Commons: “There is no doubt that you or I or anybody else is entitled to use reasonable force to defend ourselves and to protect ourselves or our homes from excessive pizza leaflets. That has to be the law and we are going to make that absolutely clear. We are clarifying the law.”

A spokesman for the East Hampshire branch of real-ale-drinking environmentalist group Greenpissed also welcomed the ruling, saying it would have a positive effect on the environment.

“It will also have a positive effect on the environment,” he said. “Every year in Petersfield alone the council has to dispose of 400,000 tons of pizza menu leaflets at a cost of £500,000 to the taxpayer. Even if we just recycled it correctly the change would be huge as the pulp would be sufficient to build a three-storey coffee shop in town.”

Not everybody welcomed the news, however. Local resident and caterer Papa John said: “This is clearly an infringement of our human rights. It is the inalienable right of every man – and woman Reg – to be able to post an unspecified amount of crap through a neighbour’s letterbox. Although I have to admit that lot from Domino’s Pizzas do take the piss…”

Monday, July 04, 2011

Undercover Police Work

One of our boys in burberry

A police officer working in Tor Way in Petersfield, has been accused of using underhand tactics to catch speeding motorists.

PC Burberry caught Owen Lee Meselftoblame on his speed camera, after leaping out from behind an oak tree and catching the driver by surprise.

Meselftoblame was then stopped further down Tor Way by another officer who fined him £60 for not wearing a seatbelt.

“This is so unfair” said Meselftoblame. “My seatbelt popped out when the officer dressed as a chav startled me; I mean you don’t expect an officer of the law to be throwing shapes behind a camera in the hedgerow do you?”

We asked PC Burberry why he was dressed like a twat and whether this was a new police tactic?

PC Burberry told us: “When I arrived for work this morning, I found Petersfield Police Station had been closed down. I can’t get in and my uniform is hanging in my locker.

“I have no alternative but to carry out my duties wearing my own clothes. I know it’s not ideal but there you are.”

Since speaking to PC Burberry Newswire understands the old Police Station has been broken into, as a spate of local burglaries continues. The officer should now at least be able to get into the building to get his uniform back.