Saturday, April 30, 2011

Mitre been more careful

If you look closely you can just make out that Bishop X
has flicked screens from the Order of Service to the Newswire site 

A popular Church of England Bishop has been demitred after being spotted surfing a Petersfield website on his Episcopal laptop during the wedding ceremony of Prince William and Kate Middleton yesterday.

The high-ranking clergyman who for legal reasons needs to be referred to as Bishop X, has said he is both embarrassed and ashamed of his actions, but hopes the Church can find it within itself to forgive him.

Bishop X went on to explain that the Newswire website had recently had an explosion in popularity and he could not resist logging on to see the latest news.

The Bishop was spotted looking at the internet site when an estimated 230 million viewers were watching him deliver a blessing to the happy couple. Many eagle-eyed viewers saw him looking at the increasingly popular website during the wedding rather than the Order of Service.

Bishop X provided fellow clergymen with evidence of the site’s popularity (see below), saying that he was addicted to it and couldn’t refrain from checking out the latest stories.

Bishop X's hard evidence 

The Bishop had persuaded Church of England officials to let him use a laptop rather than a standard Order of Service and that temptation had clearly proved too great.

Bishop X told us: “Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting, Daniel c.5 v.27.”

We asked him what this meant and he told us he wasn’t sure.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Shiny Happy People

The man in the shiny suit, in fancy dress, at the Petersfield Food Festival

It is the long-awaited day and the townsfolk of Petersfield, along with millions across the nation are set to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Petersfield show-off “The man in the shiny suit” caught the 9:18am train to Waterloo this morning so that he can be in London for the big day.

Newswire understands he will be making a bee-line for Pall Mall near Horse Guards Parade to possibly catch a glimpse of the bride's carriage as it trundles past.

To mark the momentous occasion he will unsurprisingly dress in one of his standard shiny suits, wearing his normal diamante bow tie, shiny top hat and gloves.

The man in the shiny suit told Newswire: “I know I’m leaving it a bit late but to be quite honest I just can’t be arsed with it all.

“Yes, yes, I know” he said, when it was pointed out that throngs of people had put in huge amounts of effort, travelling from around the world and camping out on the streets that line the route of the royal carriage for days.

“I know I have no chance of getting anywhere near the front but, so what.”

He told Newswire resignedly: “To be honest I was rather hoping for an invitation.

“I’ve met a few members of the royal family at various functions over the years and Prince Andrew even bought me a drink once!

“Every time I attend a royal event I wear one of these ruddy boiling bacofoil suits, waving union flags and sporting a fixed grin; this was their chance to show some sign of appreciation.

“Hugely disappointed, that’s how I feel.

“I’ll still go, I don’t want to ruin any chance I might have of getting an MBE, but an invitation would have been nice.”

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Pizza The Royal Action

 A right royal feast 
  
With only one day to go until the royal wedding, Petersfield takeaway pizza outlet Papa Don’tretch, of Chapel Street, has designed a pizza that will be the envy of pavement artists up and down the land.

Franchise owner Pete Zarrman said: “So many people have royal wedding fever that we just had to do something special to cash in on this momentous occasion.”

The staff of the pizza emporium take about 15 seconds to create the pizza using a range of sickly toppings to create the stunning effect.

Kate Middleton’s veil will comprise mushrooms and her dress is made from a selection of cheeses including a little stilton for that something blue. William’s suit has been created from salami and peppers. To finish off the image an impressionistic confetti feel is achieved by adding capers, onion, tomato, beetroot, prawns, sweet corn and cauliflower.

“The public don’t have to have any skill at all,” Zarrman said. “You simply eat the pizza and then within 20 minutes we guarantee you will be creating your own spectacular pavement portrait of Wills and Kate.

“We recommend that you bend double to apply the mix, preferably with your face about three feet from the pavement.

“We also advise that you wear an old pair of trousers and shoes; the sort of thing you might wear to paint your house.”

Monday, April 25, 2011

2011 Senseless

The deadline for completion of the 2011 Senseless is drawing near, or has it passed, it's difficult to know.

The townsfolk of Petersfield have been far better than the national average at completing and returning the form; either on-line, or by post. However, householders in surrounding towns and villages have been less efficient.

The thought of supplying personal details has worried many, so Newswire has supplied a small sample of the official form, applicable to people in the Petersfield area, so our readers can see there is nothing to be concerned about:



1  Where do you live?
a) Petersfield or a nearby village
b) Elsewhere in the South Downs National Park (SDNP)
c) I’m too embarrassed to say

2  Where were you on the night of Sunday, March 27th?
a) At my home
b) At a friend’s house or swingers’ party
c) I visited several properties, got chased out of a couple
      and returned home in the early hours to Leigh Park*

3  What is your marital status?
a) Married
b) With a permanent partner
c) Single, although I like to think I’m loved as I have a
       pet dog/cat
c) ‘Ave you seen the state of me?

4  How many people normally reside at your home?
a) 1-4
b) 5-8
c) I only count them up when I need to review my
       family benefit

5  How would you describe your sexuality?
a) Straight
b) Homosexual
c) Whatever I can get my hands on
d) Are goats illegal?

6  Have you ever suffered from any Sexually Transmitted Diseases?
a) Never
b) When you say suffer, does bad itching count?
c) I live in Bordon, so it’s in the water
d) Regarding question 5, it is my own goat, although I do share it 

7  Have you ever worked out your porn name using your first pet and
    mother’s maiden name method?
a) What’s a porn name?
b) Yes
c) My mother isn’t sure who my father is and that is the name she gave me

8  Did you vote at the last election?
a) Of course, I exercised my democratic right
b) I couldn’t be arsed
c) No, so I tell people I got locked out at the last minute
d) Can you really catch an STD from tap water?

9  Katie or Zara?
a) Katie
b) Zara
c) Is it so very wrong to say The Duchess of York?
                           (Skip to question 13)

10  Designer stubble or clean shaven?
a) Designer stubble
b) Clean shaven
c) Ann Widdecombe
d) Clarissa Dickson Wright (Skip to question 12)
e) We are talking chin here aren’t we?

11  Slim or curvaceous? (After answering this question move on to
question 13)
a) Victoria Beckham
b) Nigella Lawson
c) Dawn French
d) How far can we take this?

12  Slim or not-so-slim?
a) Peter Crouch
b) David Beckham
c) Wayne Rooney
d) Does it really have to be a footballer and even if it does
        why does it have to be Rooney?

13  Come the revolution, who would be first for the firing squad?  (Choose 4)
a) Gok Wan
b) Simon Cowell
c) Katie (Jordan) Price
d) Ronaldo
e) Please note Jeremy Kyle has been
        pre-selected on your behalf 

14  Where do you prefer to have an evening meal?
a) McDonalds or Dominos Pizza
b) Ask
c) We just did...
d) Any Michelin starred establishment
e) I’d rather have a curry any day
f) Does Mcdonalds or Dominos Pizza class as a “meal”?

15  What would you consider the MOST annoying?
a) To continue to receive daily Dominos Pizza leaflets
b) To meet in one room and at the same time all of those listed in question 13

16 Chinese or Indian?
a) Chinese
b) Indian
c) Why doesn't Petersfield have a Mexican, it would make a fortune? 

17 Twitter or Facebook?
a) Twitter
b) Facebook
c) Are they mutually exclusive?
d) No
e) Okay then, both

18 Point of clarification
a) That last question was flawed. How do I
          indicate that I use neither?
b) Answer d) No
c) Ah
d) No d)
e) No Ah! Not “R”
f) Ah

19 Rugby or football?
a) Oval ball
b) Round ball
c) I like both AND understand how a grown man (or woman) can be kicked
          and punched playing rugby and yet burst into tears if another
          player so much as touches him (or her) playing football.

20 Have you ever fancied a cartoon character?
a) Yes
b) No
c) What sort of question is that for Christ’s sake?

21 Are you religious?
a) Yes
b) No
c) See what you did there 

22 What would be your ideal holiday destination?
a) Ivory Coast
b) Egypt
c) Libya
d) Japan
e) I think I’ll stay at home this year

23 Mars, Galaxy or Milky Way?
a) Mars
b) Galaxy
c) Milky Way
d) Space travel never appealed, not even as a child

24 Salt and Vinegar, Cheese and Onion or Plain
a) Salt and Vinegar
b) Cheese and Onion
c) Plain
d) That reminds me, can we add Gary Lineker to the list
          in question 13

25 Where do you stand on trials for common assault?
a) Prison sentencing should be mandatory
b) Bring back hard labour
c) It's a commoner, what do you expect. 
d) Portsmouth, but we may get our own court in Havant


*For the purpose of this questionnaire “Leigh Park” should be regarded as Greater Leigh Park, Havant, Bedhampton, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Horndean and Clanfield.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Banging Bordon

A party in Barracks Close goes on beyond 3:30am 

Maverick Television, maker of Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies, is to base itself in Bordon, north of Petersfield, to film a series about noisy neighbours this summer.

Series Producer Meg Affone told Newswire: “This is a nailed-on certainty to be a great show, just the sort of cringe worthy TV that so many of our viewers like to watch these days.

“There should be feuding, arguing and hopefully some fisticuffs as the warm summer nights approach and uncaring neighbours blare their migraine-inducing music out of wide open windows until the early hours.

“It used to be the case that you could call in a police officer to smooth things over, but I've been reliably informed there hasn’t been one of those seen in the area for months. So bring it on.”

Bordon isn’t the only local town set to host new TV series with ITV1’s Jeremy Bile Show setting up base in a pre-fab studio in a clearing in Havant Thicket.

This venture was the host’s idea, Bile told the national press: “I know my show gets a slating from many quarters, but it is hugely popular with the young unemployed. It gives them something to get out of bed for.

“There is a huge number of grunting unemployed chavs in this area and we are providing them with their chance to be seen on TV.

“We’ll have oodles of material here with dysfunctional families and all the topics we normally cover available on tap.”

The makers of Channel 4’ Big Fat Gypsy Weddings are also rumoured to be moving into the same pre-fab studio with a view to making a series entitled “My Spaced Out Hoodie Wedding” but Newswire has yet to receive confirmation that this has received the funding required.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A suspicious party

One of the young and "fit" Special Constables prepares to infiltrate

Thousands of residents in Petersfield were kept awake last weekend by incessant noise coming from a rave in the idyllic South Downs National Park.

The sound of drums accompanied by an incredibly loud bass beat made leaded windows rattle in their mullion frames in the quaint market town and surrounding villages.

The illegal party was taking place on Fynings Hill, in beautiful surroundings between Rogate and Rake and was attended by nearly 100 partygoers.

Complaints flooded in to the police all Saturday night, but residents were frustrated and forced to lay awake with their eardrums popping as the party continued until after 9am the next morning.

One resident from Rogate, 92-year-old Honor Backagain told us: "They're made of stronger stuff than me, banging away for 9 hours. The longest I could ever manage when I was that age was about 3 hours, then I'd need to get my head down."

Chief Inspector Will Party told Newswire that officers from both Hampshire and West Sussex attended the scene and that the situation was at all times completely under control.

Party said: "We had over 76 of our youngest and fittest officers at the event and we concluded that the best way to deal with the situation was to let things run their course".

We asked Party whether the officers were included in the overall estimate of 100 people at the scene. "Yes" he told us "We took this matter very seriously, which is why we dedicated so many of our boys and girls in blue to the event, all on double time.

"The best we could do was to ensure matters did not get out of hand on the night and to try to ensure that this location is not used for another rave this year.

"Based on inside information, the next three events are all scheduled to take place elsewhere in the Park, so the same people should not be disturbed again."

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Scratch and Stiff

Artist's impression of Blood's design (left) together with an example of a typical
design that might be chosen to hide the original tattoo (right) 

A tattoo artist in Petersfield is looking to set a new world record in a thinly veiled attempt to drum up business.

Drew Blood, owner of Broken Needles tattoo parlour in Chapel Street told us “We tried advertising and that didn’t work so we thought we’d try this new approach, which, on the face of it, can't fail.

“First of all we announce that we are going for a world record and say we are only doing it for charity. To be fair we are asking all of our customers to make a small donation, other than blood of course so we should actually make some money for our chosen charity Save A Squaddie.

“Then we ramp up interest by emphasising that we are trying to bring the record home from America, which should get the local press interested.

“And finally, and this is the clever bit, we give all our customers a 50% discount voucher for future tattoos at our parlour”.

To beat the current record Blood must tattoo 802 people or more in a 24-hour period, no easy task. Allowing for the odd break and the chance to hose himself down, this means each customer will only need to endure pain for an average of 1 minute and 22 seconds.

Newswire asked Blood if this was really feasible.

“I’ll be applying an appropriate motif, in two colours in 80 seconds...  after the first few hours I’m bound to be feeling a bit jaded, so it’s bound to be a bit of a rush.

“If I try to complete smart looking tats (industry speak for tattoos) I won’t have a chance at getting the 800 plus people through the door, so this will need to be more of an unrecognisable blob.

“That’s how I’m hoping to cash in. Very few will actually be happy with the 80 second etching on their arm, head, thigh or arse and many will come back asking to change the small design into a something less embarrassing.

"The repair work will take a lot more than 80 seconds and for this I will be stiffing them. Kerching!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Petersfield's music critics hit back

A coachload of Daniel O’Donnell fans got "just the wake-up call they needed" after they had a brick thrown at them on their return to Petersfield.

Fans of the schmaltzy Irish crooner – a sort of poor man’s Gaelic Cliff Richard – were returning from a trip to Brighton aboard a Graze coach, when it was hit by a brick while heading down The Causeway.

The manager of Graze Travel, Graham Travel, said: “A group of middle-aged louts were standing by the side of the road yelling things like “He’s just a Val Doonican for the 21st century!” and “His music is highly derivative!”. One even claimed the brick was a physical representation of the didactic leanings of O’Donnell’s religious overtones.

“It was shocking. I’m afraid now even to buy the BBC’s Classical Music magazine for fear of reprisals.”

This banner outside Tesco, in The Causeway,
stated firmly the protesters' feelings

Petersfield resident Rory Batter, a former arts and entertainments editor with Portsmouth’s daily newspaper The Snooze, insists such incidents are, thankfully, becoming commonplace.

He said: “People are no longer prepared to accept that this kind of bland excuse for entertainment should go unchallenged. This is just the wake-up call they needed.

“In the old days when people bothered to read newspapers and magazines, if they didn’t like a band, they’d write a letter of ill-informed complaint to the editor and it would help to fill the letters’ page.

“But the advent of Scrooge-like media corporations cutting their publications to the bone, plus blogging and social media has opened up music criticism to the whole world – and this kind of direct action is a natural result.

“Real music fans have had to watch while talentless bollocks masquerading as prime-time entertainment has flooded the TV and tabloids via X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent – oh the irony! – and they have decided to take radical action.”

It seems the fightback by people with taste is not restricted to Petersfield. In an ironic twist, Chris de Burgh was thrown overboard from a cross-channel ferry somewhere between Portsmouth and Le Havre and the perpetrator was heard to yell after him “No need to worry about who pays now!”.

Also, Phil Collins was recently forced to retire after having a Molotov cocktail launched at him while somebody yelled “Look out Phil, it’s coming in the air tonight!” – and when he collapsed with a scorched baldy head, onlookers smirked “Just another day in paradise eh, you smug twat?”

However, sometimes this kind of critic vigilantism backfires badly. Last week world-renowned art critic Brian Sewell threw a pot of paint over Tracey Emin’s Volkswagen Beetle in protest at her latest work. But the added colour then forced him to carry out a reappraisal of the work…and he promptly hailed the splattered Beetle as frontrunner for this year’s Turner prize.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Party Poppers for Party Poopers

Petersfield has been the scene of huge confusion that has seemingly deterred many from throwing street parties to celebrate the imminent royal wedding.
 

The residents of the South Downs National Park town are renowned up and down the land for popping open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot or six at the drop of a top hat, but East Hants District Council (EHDC) has confirmed that no-one wants to party to celebrate William and Kate's nuptials.

 Not much of a bang for Wills and Kate

A headline in the Petersfield Proust indicated that following an edict by EHDC, party poppers would cost £21, and this appears to have deterred many from wanting to join in on the day.

Annie Hicks-Kews, a self-declared royalist who always likes to let her hair down explained why there was such a level of disinterest.

“It's all down to the party poppers thing dahling,” she said. “It’s a bit like Christmas crackers; you wouldn’t be seen dead pulling a Christmas cracker which had come from a box costing less than say £60.

“Fortnum’s do reasonable Crimbo crackers and you can always fall back on Harrods if you are completely stuck, but the branding is the key.
 

“With the party poppers, I can't bear to think what sort of cheap tack these are going to be if they only cost £21? Will they be from that cheap Norwegian shop? Widdle, or whatever it's called.

“And of course it has a knock-on effect: if the price is too low, the standard of hors d’oeuvres and cruditĂ©s will inevitably drop. Then before you know where you are, you’re drinking second-rate champers and every oik in the street would be wanting to join in.

“It simply won’t do.”

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Tory councillors join Lib-Dems to break promises

Two Tory councillors have defected ahead of the local elections after admitting: “If we have to break promises we may as well be Lib-Dems”.

East Hants District Council members Eileen Anyway and Donna Volte-Face explained: “It never occurred to us that in joining a right-wing party we would participate in a dictatorship. Nothing in history has indicated that possibility.

“This is not a democracy it’s a dictatorship. We made certain promises to rthe electorate and if we are unable to fulfil them we felt we should at least belong to the party that has no qualms about going back on election promises.

“Therefore we will proudly be wearing the yellow Lib-Dem rosette come the election in May. But being Lib-Dems, obviously we reserve the right to change our minds at short notice and stand for some other party altogether.”

The leader of the local Conservative party, ObersturmbannfĂĽhrer Ballhedge, insisted: “For them the election is over. How they can compare the council to a dictatorship is beyond me. I told them not to do it as well…”

Friday, April 08, 2011

BAD BREATH

Mr Credible doing some breathing exercises yesterday

An international breathing expert has conned a Petersfield doctor into inviting him to our town today (Friday).

The expert, Justin Credible, says he boasts long experience in his specialist area: "I've been breathing since the day I was born" he said. "As an international breathing expert I have breathed in New York , Sydney , Mombassa and Delhi.

"Recently I was invited to the famous Breathing Festival in Cannes which attracts people from five continents. It's like a pilgrimage of breath. We breathe all the way there and when we arrive they all breathe some more."

Mr Credible has promised to return to Petersfield every individual molecule of our air he breathes on Friday.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Partying no longer black and white

Back in the days when you didn't have to pay to throw a party

East Hampshire District Council has labelled local people "party poopers" after none of them has paid for the council's Royal Wedding street party application form costing £21.

Angel D. Lite who heads the council's Department for Spoiling our Fun said: "We simply can't understand why people won't pay us lots of money for the privilege of filling in a form. Under the Government's Big Society plans, everybody should be filling in forms all the time, not just council officials between the hours of 9.30am and 4.30pm (3pm on Fridays)."

"We were so certain that everybody in the area would want these forms the councillors had planned to throw one belter of a party with the money we'd expected to raise. We'd even asked the Post Office how they deal with large queues so we could ignore their advice."

Without a properly filled-in form, the council will not permit any local resident to drink, play music, smile or laugh after dusk or indulge in any form of dancing. Special patrols will watch for unregulated gyrations and illegal rhythmic leg movement. Foot-tapping is a grey area.

Ms Lite said: "The Royal Wedding is the ideal time act on impulse and throw caution to the wind. We want to see spontaneous celebrations breaking out all over Petersfield, so long as we're given £21 and ten working days notice."

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Petersfield Town 0 - Chelsea 3

The Chelsea team in their familiar kit

It was embarrassment all round on Sunday at Love Lane, the home of Petersfield Town Football Club.

Larger than expected crowds gathered in the beautiful spring sunshine to watch the spectacle, with many coming to see favourite players from the past dust off their boots and show that they can still land a ball on a sixpense from 50 yards.

Unfortunately, officials at the club, soon realised their had been a monumental error in the booking, and the wrong Chelsea team turned up. The only bright side was that they had brought a kit.

Never wanting to disappoint the Chelsea pensioners took to the field and beat Petersfield FC 3-0.

The match was level at half-time but the pensioners went on to win with three late goals after the Petersfield team ran out of steam in the last 15 minutes.

We tried to interview the Petersfield captain, but he would not speak to Newswire.

We understand from a South Today reporter, that the home side were attributing the poor performance on the state of the floodlights. There was also suggestion that the Chelsea side should be drugs-tested.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

A Way too far

A part of the trail that is open, at Havant

Determined not to be left in the considerable shadow of the brand new South Downs National Park, creators of the Shipwrights Way have announced that it is not quite ready to open.

Meandering from Alice Holt forest through the picturesque National Park and on towards Portsmouth's historic dockyard; walkers will one day be able to follow the route that felled oak trees  once took for use in shipbuilding and repair.

Grasping to the coat tails of the new National Park, flyers for the walk, handed out at the launch of the South Downs National Park, make much of the beauty of the countryside and of the opportunity to ramble, picnic, horse ride and see wildlife.


Bordon in the spring sunshine

Unfortunately, anyone following the trail will also need to traverse through the urban sprawl of Whitehill, Bordon and then after the tranquillity of the Park, Rowlands Castle, Havant and Leigh Park.

We asked Annie Danehow, who confirmed to Newswire that the trail is not yet ready..., what she thought about the necessity to include these less than picturesque areas.

"We are trying to transport people back in time, to let them experience the journey that the oak drays would have taken up until as late as the early 19th century.

Some ramblers in Rowlands Castle. 

“The journey would have been fraught with danger, and the closest we could get to that experience today is to take walkers and riders through some of these conurbations.

"The draymen will have had to be on their guard; and the experience for anyone making the journey these days will be much the same, perhaps with a friend riding shotgun!"

Monday, April 04, 2011

Award awarded to award-winner at awards night

The Petersfield Newswire team are pictured during
a break from filming JLS' latest video

The five masked men behind Petersfield Newswire celebrated winning the Life in Petersfield arts and entertainment award at Friday’s glamorous shindig, by being somewhere else entirely.

They did, however, provide a video in the much used “unfortunately our winners can’t be here tonight but sent us this message” style, which proved so entertaining one table woke up.

A spokesman for the Newswire team explained: “Unfortunately we were out of the country acting as stunt doubles for JLS during the filming of the video for their latest 7-inch vinyl disc.

“We did, however, send a message from our static caravan on the forecourt of the Days Inn at Clacket Lane Services. We said how disappointed we were to learn that we had won only a framed certificate.

“We had arranged to have a guy on standby with a furnace so we could melt down the gold statuette we were expecting. This would have funded the building of a new website to replace the blog-based version we have currently.

“Sadly putting the framed certificate in the furnace simply produced some ashes which we left behind at a ceremony at the third bin from the left outside the gents’ lavatory in the Services’ main building. We expect a blue plaque to be erected there sometime in the 22nd century.

“We are willing to sell a photocopy of the award for £50, though obviously as men of principles under normal circumstances we would not consider such tawdry offers of cash.”

A bewildered spokesman for Life in Petersfield shook his head and said: “We still can’t believe this lot made the short-list, let alone won it. What is happening to this Sceptered Isle?”

NOTE: The Petersfield Newswire team are expected to celebrate the award with a few pints sometime soon and invite offers from local pubs who would be prepared to stand them drinks all night...

Eco homes are a winner

A large sum of money that could be used as a draft-excluder 

Council tenants in Petersfield are celebrating record cuts in their heating bills – thanks to an eco re-fit of their homes.

“It’s brilliant,” crowed Ivor Greenhouse, who moved back into his refurbed eco house in Borough Grove last year. “Even after the freezing winter we’ve just had, my heating bills were down by nearly £150.

“I couldn’t believe it – and the house is toasty warm too.”

Environmental Health Officer Mr Beardy McLoop of East Hampshire District Council commented smugly: “This shows that if we all green up a bit, we can save money on our energy bills AND save the planet at the same time.”

And this fantastic saving for tenants was achieved at a mere £60,000 PER HOUSE*, leaving a passing council tax payer to splutter: “FFS! Even Petersfield Newswire couldn’t make this up!”


*For those of you regular Newswire readers used to us making up this kind of tripe, this cost bit is real (check this week’s Petersfield Proust for details).

Friday, April 01, 2011

Talk about getting lost

He couldn't see the wood for the trees

A talk on ‘Navigation Through the Ages’ had to be rescheduled when guest speaker Sir Cumnah-Vegate failed to make an appearance.

The meeting of Liss Area Historical Society scheduled to take place at 7:30pm last night had to be postponed when the speaker got lost in the woods.

Sir Cumnah-Vegate struggled to find Central Hall, the venue for his presentation and did not arrive until after both of the attendees had gone home.

A new date for the talk will be announced shortly.

Town insists ‘Park still loves me’

A traditional Mongolian erection on such a proud day

Councillors are insisting that the new South Downs National Park still loves Petersfield – and the passing infatuation with HQ rival Midhurst is nothing more than ‘a crush’.

“We’re not bitter about the national park selecting that West Sussex slut Midhurst for its HQ,” said Cllr Buster Hill of Petersfield Town Council’s committee for old ramblers.

“We know that deep down we’re the town that the park likes and it will one day return the HQ to where it belongs – to a proper town with a square, a statue and everything.

“Midhurst was merely an ‘easy’ option at the time and the park is young and doesn’t know its own mind yet. One day it will see sense and we’ll be waiting.

“That’s why we’re throwing a party for the park today with schoolchildren, a Mongolian yurt – whatever that is – and some zorbers. If that doesn’t prove how serious we are, nothing will!”

Rumours that Mr Hill was all set to ‘punch Midhurst mayor John Smug’s ****ing lights out’ if he dared to show his face in Petersfield were dismissed as nonsense, although Mrs Hill was heard to murmur “Don’t do it Buster, he’s not worth it…”