Thursday, March 31, 2011

‘What us?’ say Petersfield mums

Veuve Clicquot Molotov Cocktails, shaken not stirred.

Petersfield mums have recoiled in shock after the dawning realisation that the Con-Dem government cuts will actually apply to them.

Pulling on her black balaclava moments before ramming a double buggy through the plate glass doors of the 99p shop, one yummy mummy who refused to be named said: “How dare they suggest that our Surestart playgroup might close!

“When I heard that lots of cuts were needed to save the country I naturally assumed, like all right-minded people, that it would only be lesbian theatre groups, unemployed northerners and people in council houses that would suffer.

“I’m outraged that anyone could even think of shutting down our Surestart group – my little Tarquin loves going along. Just think of the children!”

Another young mum – her face disguised by a scarf (Hermes naturally) - held off lighting her Molotov cocktail to tell us: “Surely no-one can seriously suggest that our Surestart centre is less important than NHS operations for poor people.

“If they close it down, I may have to dip into my husband’s bonus from Lloyds to pay for a private nursery – and why should I do that just so that some lazy old pensioner can carry on getting the so called winter fuel allowance?”

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Petersfield's roadworks mystery is solved

The mysterious case of Petersfield’s disappearing roadworks has been solved.

At the beginning of the month, residents of Pulens Lane and nearby roads braced themselves for chaos after signs went up advising that the road would be closed for a week’s repair works.

Yet the daunting prospect of having to drive their 4x4s an extra half-a-mile to circumnavigate the roadworks never materialised as the road was never closed and the signs mysteriously disappeared after a week’s inactivity.

Rumours of alien abduction swept across the bar at the Drum public house as a man who had once staggered down Pulens Lane claimed he’d seen the roadworks collected up and put on to the back of a spaceship with flashing lights by little luminous green and yellow creatures.

More prosaically, it turns out the council simply exhausted its budget.

A spokesman for the council explained: “March is the time of year when we schedule dozens of superfluous road repairs simply because we have to use up all of our budget – or it gets cut the following year.

“This year we scheduled Pulens Lane for action but the cost of preparing those yellow signs with the flip-over numbers has gone up and once we’d manufactured and installed the signs there was no budget left to actually dig up the road. We had barely enough for the workmen to brew up before they took the signs down again.

“We had some spray cans of white paint left over, so we went round and marked up a few potholes but don’t actually expect to do anything with them until at least 2013/14.”

Garstang Leaf-Blower, a resident of Pulens Lane, said: “I had heard this rumour from a reporter with the Petersfield Newswire, but bizarrely this may actually be true. I think it’s also important to realise that Pulens Lane is actually in the parish of Sheet, not Petersfield. The two don’t mix really.”

The council spokesman confirmed more non-existent roadworks are planned for June, August and September. No delays are expected until October.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Avast Sum Raised

Blackmoor and Whitehill’s recent WI meeting, which saw the ladies dressed as sailors, pirates and admirals was hailed by them as a great success.

The ladies, whose average age was 68, had dressed in nautical theme because they were to be entertained by the Kings Pond Shanty Men, not forgetting their parrot, that we understand flew in specially from Alton.

The event raised £135.76 which was donated to the Royal National Lifeboat Institution.

News of the event reached the yummy-mummies of Petersfield, who decided this sounded like a splendid way to raise some cash in this time of financial hardship for Petersfield’s Posh School.

A not-so-motley crew of 10 yummy-mummies took it upon themselves to organise a catwalk in Petersfield Posh School’s Great Hall, on which they strutted their stuff and danced around a steel flagpole and some rigging that was erected for the occasion.

The mummies took on pirate names for the day to ensure their anonymity and jigged away to appropriate maritime shanties such as I’ve Got A Chest ‘f Gold, I’ll Blow The Man Down, There’s A Fire In The Hole, Old One Eye and Greasing The Hawsehole.

Tickets sold for £50, with a further £50 to come on stage and practise your knots with the pirates. The event was a complete sell out with the wannabee-pirates raising over £125,000.

'Spanker' speaking to Newswire on behalf of the yummy-mummies told us: “It was tremendous fun, we were surprised how many people splashed out on the night, so we were determined to put on a bit of a show.

“Yah, It exceeded all our expectations, and we might even do it again next year if asked. Except poor Ho Ho Flo, who had dreadful rope burns on the inside of her thighs, she may decide to give it a miss.”

Friday, March 18, 2011

A letter from our reader...

Dear Sirs,
I wanted to communicate how much I applaud the young chaps from Bojangles Academy for the Fiscally Overburdened (BAFO) in your recent piece about venturing into the wilderness (see here).  Excellent spirit and the sort of thing that once made this country great.
Can you let me know where I can send a small cash consideration to help their very deserving cause?
We need much more of this in such depressing times.  It is, of course, always left to the private sector to provide such initiatives.  Why, only a few months ago I was going through the checkout at one of our local grocers (it was cook's day off) and there was a young man with his collecting bucket and something about Kosovo on his jumper.  
"It's not for some namby-pamby orphanage or similar is it?" I barked. "Because they have to learn to stand on their own two feet, you know."
"Oh, no, sir," he replied, "We are collecting money to go there for a nice holiday.  We will, of course, pretend to put up a new school building for an hour one afternoon, for the photo-shoot. Then when we come back, that will be used in a three-page special feature in the Petersfield Proust with the headline "Hurrah!  Churchers Chaps save the Balkans!"
Splendid!" I replied, thumping him on the back.  "Here's a fiver - God bless you, young pioneer."
Yours, moist of eye,
Harold Backhouse

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Badger set

A lakeside resort like the one targeted by the Badgers

Three brothers from Petersfield are looking to have the holiday of a lifetime and certainly for the two still living at home, escape the nagging of their parents telling them to go out and get a summer job.

17-year-old Bojangles student Zach Badger, who we understand likes fresh air, has convinced two of his brothers to spend a week in July and the whole of August camped out in Yukon territory.

The destination is in Alaska, 15 miles from the nearest city and 7 miles from the closest five-star hotel.

Older brothers Grenville (24) and Tarquin (27), who both study at the National Film and Television School in London, will film their holiday using a camera daddy bought Grenville for Christmas.

Tarquin was extremely enthusiastic about the “project”, telling us: “Ya, it’s basically a holiday. The weather is at its best at that time of year and it will be great to get a proper six-week break to relax.

“With my contacts, we are even hoping that we might be able to sell the footage when we get back and make a small fortune.

"I've seen short films like this before and the shakier the filming the better the impact, so we should be able to put together a 'reel' blockbuster." 

The Badgers will take a combination of five flights to reach their paradise destination, including a float plane which will touch down on one of the lakes.

The brothers intend to canoe up river and find somewhere to erect a shelter, put up hammocks and a large parasol and basically chill out for the next six weeks. 

Grenville added: “The boats do have engines and we’ll have a tent but we will probably give paddling and shack-building a go for the camera.

“Once we’ve settled in we will all enjoy swimming, fishing and a bit more swimming. We want some quality time and this should be perfect.”

The Badgers are taking one satellite phone and a GPS tracker with them in case of emergencies, but they want to avoid any unnecessary contact with the outside world if it can be avoided.

Tarquin clarified: “We will only be able to take a limited stock of beer and food upriver in the canoes so we will need to make contact to arrange for our beer and supplies to be airlifted in once we have decided where to set up camp.

"We won't have a fridge, but the water should keep the beer cold enough." 

Zach explained: “I thought about doing it last summer but mummy and daddy had already paid for Grenville and me to do a short tour around Uruguay, Argentina, Chile, Peru, Bolivia and Paraguay so it seemed sensible to put it off for a year.

“I’ve been asked if I couldn’t do this alone, but where’s the fun in that. This is supposed to be a holiday.”

Tarquin is looking for sponsorship for the expedition: “What would be really great is if someone else would come in and pay for all the flights, supplies and beer; that would be awesome.”

If you want to pay for the Badgers’ holiday please visit the expedition website:

Monday, March 14, 2011

Chinese crackers over fortune cookie

The plaque originally valued at £60 to £80.

An Italian plaque sold by a Petersfield family has broken the record price tag for a Petersfield auction house.

Crackers and Stunt auctioneers, of Lavant Street, sold the 17th century marble painting for £45,000 during an auction on February 25.

Auctioneer Hugh Guest-Badleigh said: “Apparently it’s very rare – It would appear the painting might be something by someone famous from a time long ago.

“We had five people bidding from Italy and two from America, all live on the day. So we had... wait I can do this, five, six, seven. Yes seven phone bidders from abroad on the day.

“All seven of them had a go, four of them were out at about £20,000 and there were two left, is that right? Seven minus four; yes two left.

“One fellow was on his mobile to Italy and the other was using our phone, cost me a ruddy fortune, you know how Italians can rabbit on.”

The price was the highest ever received by Crackers and Stunt in its 106-year history and Guest-Badleigh was as shocked as anyone.

Based on advice from the auctioneer the family did not put a reserve on the plaque, Guest-Badleigh having only valued it at £60 to £80.

“It is always the things that I don’t think are valuable that end up selling for quite a lot of money”, he told Newswire.

This was the second time this year the Petersfield auctioneers surpassed the record for their highest ever sale. Two Chinese oil paintings recently fetched £20,000 having been estimated to fetch between £3 and £5 by the town’s self-appointed guru.

“The markets are like this at the moment; the best things will reach higher values while the crap doesn’t sell quite so well. Shiny and dusty things are always popular.

“I think it is because more than one person competes for the same thing, pushing the price up, it’s extraordinary really.”

Anyone who has something shiny or dusty to auction should contact Crackers and Stunt on 01730 232323 or e-mail:

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"A site for sore eyes" says journalist with sore eyes...

Renoir's Bloke Smoking Carrot is one of the many
valuable works of art on display in the cultural town of Petersfield

Life in Petersfield magazine has launched an investigation into how Petersfield Newswire has been nominated for recognition in the publication’s annual community awards.

The spoof news website is on a shortlist of three for the arts and entertainment award – a decision which shocked the magazine’s deputy editor, Ed Vertisement.

He said: “I suspect foul play here as how a largely irrelevant and unfunny website such as Petersfield Newswire can be more popular than some of the other candidates in a town with such a cultural pedigree is beyond me.

“Look at some of the worthy groups and facilities who have been left off the list. There’s that bloke in the shiny suit who turns up to the opening of a crisp packet; that young stand-up comic lady with the downmarket magazines at the top of Rams Walk; and the town’s world-renowned gallery of Comedy Club signs.

“All of these are far more worthy than a website – it doesn’t even carry advertising for heaven’s sake!”

Other groups and events who have expressed disappointment at being omitted from the list include the Petersfield Philharmonic Orchestra, a touring production of Chekhov’s little-known play Uncle Vanya Visits a Farmers’ Market, Owen’s Ring Cycle Shop Operatic Society, Bojangles School’s exhibition of business-class gap-year air tickets, a bloke called Keith who can play La Marseillaise on a 19th century copper kettle and the hilarious South-West Trains timetable.

A spokesman for Petersfield Newswire, who was prepared to be known only as Jeffrey Archer, admitted: “It came as a shock to us too. We didn’t realise anybody actually read our stuff. There has been a suggestion that residents of Bordon have been voting in order to subvert the awards but I have many family members in Bordon and I refute the allegation that any of them have voted more than eight times each.

“Obviously we’re delighted to be nominated if we win; if we don’t win, we’ll just dismiss it as a meaningless piece of corporate chicanery designed to make people feel valued. We suspect it will probably be the latter.”

Voting for the Life in Petersfield community awards arts and entertainment category has now closed. Any votes you make now will not be counted but you may still be charged through the nose, particularly if you visit Waitrose or the farmers’ market.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Petersfield's market survives 'class-war' scare

Normally the sight of fresh fruit and veg is
sufficient to keep away the working classes...

The monthly Farmers’ Market in Petersfield Town Square went off without a hitch yesterday – despite the appearance of several working-class families.

Organiser Felicity Price-Hike admitted she breathed a sigh of relief when the unexpected guests finally moved on to the 99p Store without deterring any of the regular, affluent 4x4-driving customers.

She said: “Petersfield is hugely proud of its multi-cultural nature, mixing as we do white middle class families with white lower-middle-class families.

"Market days are a great example of this multi-culturalism. Every Wednesday and Saturday the lower orders may come into town to pick up cheap school uniforms, boxes of broken biscuits, ethnic clothing and egg-and-bacon burgers.

“But once a month the square is turned over to a market for a better class of people. It sells things the working classes would never contemplate – soap for example.

“It was always our intention to create a sort of al fresco Waitrose, only more expensive. It never occurred to us that working-class people would consider purchasing small portions of goat’s cheese for £4 a time or a loaf of bread at £2.50.

“Yesterday’s influx of lower-caste specimens came as something of a surprise and there was a stand-off on a stall selling pheasant and pigeon when one of the newcomers opined ‘How much? You’re ‘avin a larf mate…’ But thankfully that was the closest we came to actual confrontation.”

She continued: “They even went to the effort of wearing country-check shirts, wax jackets and wellies, but we weren’t fooled. For a start the mothers didn’t have bob haircuts and they were driving rear-wheel drive cars – a dead giveaway.

“After about 10 minutes laughing and pointing at price-tags they moved off to get a coffee and wandered down to the 99p Store. Fortunately we had a local member of the Working-Class Watch Scheme keep an eye on them.”

Admiral Carr-Insurance Retd, of Toff Totty Drive, Steep, confessed he had not noticed any strangers.

“We were all too busy doing our monthly shop,” he smiled. “I picked up a whole sackful of game, bread and cheese for under £500 and I was too busy telling my friends about it and thrashing the valet to notice any ‘incidents’.”

Police confirmed the market went off without a hitch.

Constable Haywain said: “We did hear reports of insurgents in Petersfield, but as none of us have a clue where Petersfield is we just let nature take its course.”

Friday, March 04, 2011

On yer bike!

Bus users hoping to travel between Petersfield and Chichester have been told to get on their bikes. 

As the public transport route faces the axe – thanks to council and coalition cuts – Petersfield MP Damian Hindsight has entered the bus link debate with some sound advice.

Although Tories are renowned for never knowingly travelling on public transport, he said: “In my father’s day, if he couldn’t find a bus, he’d get on his bike and ride until he found one – or got to his destination, whichever was quicker…”

The enthusiastic Damian Hindsight, centre, heads to Westminster
accompanied by his batman and valet

Thursday, March 03, 2011

No china crisis in Petersfield

Royal wedding souvenirs come in all shapes and sizes
- but here one size fits all

A grovelling Petersfield businesswoman has come up with a unique souvenir for the forthcoming royal wedding between Princess William and some common woman called Katie Price.

Mrs Gabby Simpering-Subject has designed a ceramic forelock, which purchasers can tug with impunity before, during and after the upper-crust nuptials.

“Everyone I know is delighted about the royal wedding and has chattered of nothing else for months,” she wittered.

“I can’t think of a better tribute than a forelock because not only can we tug it to show our undying respect we can keep it for posterity because it will always remind us just what simpletons we are.

“We’ll be able to look back and recall how we were all cheered up by watching some rich folk fritter away millions of pounds on a pointless ceremony simply to rub our noses in it during the biggest economic recession in living memory…”

Mrs Simpering-Subject added: “I once stood behind someone in a queue at Stansted airport who knew the cousin of a lady-in-waiting who poop-scooped for the royal corgis - and she was the loveliest person you could ever meet.”

The oven-blasted forelocks will be available from Long May She Reign Over Us Ceramics for £2,500 each – all proceeds will be used to sponsor cheap plastic union jacks to be handed out to anyone who can no longer afford one to wave at the big event on April 29.

NB: UK media rules insist we advise you that other things to do on April 29 are available

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Petersfield woman left heavily pixelated after earthquake horror

Petersfield woman left shaken and heavily pixelated after earthquake horror...

Check out the Petersfield Proust website ...

POSTSCRIPT: Curse these companies who replace sub-editors with people who can remove images from websites! They've removed the image. But not before we nicked it...

For your delectation.

Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wayo!

Frontrunner: He Arket Inn

As the coalition cuts start to bite, Petersfield’s hard-pressed businessmen have been given a boost by a new set of annual awards.

Petersfield In Boom will award a trophy and a free set of corrugated tin to the best-maintained empty shop or pub premises in the town – and the move has already been backed by Tory MP Damian Hindsight.

“It’s important to recognise that, even as we’re wrecking the economy, there’s no need to be scruffy about it,” said Mr Hindsight. “Obviously a few businesses have gone to the wall even in prosperous Petersfield but I’m sure the town can maintain its dignity by keeping its High Street up to scratch.”

A frontrunner for the Petersfield In Boom award has to be the Market Inn (actually now known as the ‘arket’ since the ‘M’ fell off months ago), which has been boarded up for years with tasteful – and matching – metal sheets in every window.

Also in the running is the former Petersfield Electricals shop in Lavant Street, which has opted for the ‘abandoned’ rather than ‘closed down’ look, and Petersfield police station which has pretended to be an official building even though it has been filled with tumbleweed for years.

The former White Hart pub is not thought to be in the running because technically it is still a business – a car park clamping and fleecing operation – and the 99p Shop may be allowed to enter on the basis that’s it’s not a proper Petersfield-style business anyway and probably would be closed down if most of the population had their way.

Late bids for the title are expected to come from the library, the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, the Taro Leisure Centre, the Grange Birth Centre, Petersfield Hospital, Petersfield fire station, and all state schools – just as soon as the Con-Dem government gets round to closing them down. 

“It’s a great idea,” insisted a delighted Mr Hindsight. “If it proves as popular as I hope it will, we may extend it and have a section for the best dressed unemployed person…”

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Rain of terror

Gaddafi sheltering from the rain because he hasn't yet built a bandstand 

News broke last night that Colonel Gaddafi was reaching out to opposing factions with a last-ditch gesture of reconcilliation. 

The leader's olive branch is in the form of a bandstand; an edifice that he hopes will bring peace to Libya.

Colonel Gaddafi has been moved by the news that Petersfield Town Council has dismissed calls for a bandstand to be built, and, believing that it is a wonderful idea, is set to offer just such a monument to the Libyan people.

The Libyan dictator, broadcasting live on Al Jazeera TV, with umbrella in hand, said: "This structure will be a symbol of the harmony that has been reached between our peoples."

Newswire's roving reporter questioned the Colonel on why he had chosen a bandstand as the symbol of peace.

"Music is a manifestation of harmony," Gaddafi intoned. "But for harmony we must all work together. This is a beautiful and meaningful symbol.

"I was also moved by the turmoil endured by the people of Petersfield who are being denied a bandstand by a cruel and vindictive dictatorship - their Town Council. This form of tyranny should not be tolerated in our modern world and I beseech the people to fight for their bandstand."

Petersfield's bandstand is likely to make national news headlines as a result of Gaddafi's speech. A bandstand widely thought by the local population to be a fitting and appropriate momento of the Queen's diamond jubilee.

The stumbling block appears to be that a non-council member came up with the idea and the Town Council would rather burn the money than waste it on such an innovative and popular project thought up by a member of the public.

Gaddafi added: "England's Queen Elizabeth is a music-loving demagogue like me - and she would love such a bandstand."