Saturday, January 29, 2011

Ill Intent has Roman holiday

Baldrick getting dirty in one of Carenza's holes

Petersfield's Ill Intent pub is closed on Monday and Tuesday to facilitate investigation into the Roman remains that were inadvertantly uncovered in College Street almost a year ago.

Newswire exclusively brought you this story back in February 2010 when the road started to decay and Roman tesserae were exposed.

News of the find reached Channel 4's Time Team and now Baldrick is in town to establish what historical remains exist beneath the pub.

Claudia Upforanorgy, Petersfield's very popular historian, told Newswire: "This is really exciting stuff. These days, any discovery of Roman architectural remains tend to be in remote locations, taking the form of small settlements and farms; this has the potential to be far more significant.

"The tesserae uncovered last year were of high quality and we expect any foundations to be in line with that evidence."

We asked the landlord of the Ill Intent what he thought of the disruption.

"We don't mind" he told us. "We get our pub on the telly, you can't buy advertising like that. We also get new carpets throughout which will more than compensate for a couple of days lost trade.

"We simply have to cross our fingers that they don't find anything really significant that means we have to close down."

We asked Upforanorgy if she had any theories regarding the site.

"Well yes", she told us. "Often the types of building that exist in an area don't vary much over the millenia. Whatever suited this environment two thousand years ago may well have been the same as exist here today".

We asked her to be a little more specific, did she mean a town?

"I'd be bolder than that," she boasted. "I'd be prepared to predict that we might uncover the remains of an inn, an exclusive and expensive dental practice, and if we are really lucky the remains of a neglected building with a chariot park that charged perhaps as much as 2,000,000 Dinar per day."

Friday, January 28, 2011

'S no disaster

You can't get the staff. 
A group of posh students from across East Hampshire gathered at Ditch-It Park school (leafy South Downs) last Friday, where they had been invited to a conference. Conversation soon drifted to the weather, as it is prone to do in this country, and the meeting was subsequently labelled a "Climate Conference", to make it sound valuable.

It all started when Melissa Schiffer-Brains (The Big School - Petersfield) said: "I say it's a bit chilly this morning, don't you think? Positively parky".

"I agree" chimed in Valencia Tumble-Twatt (Bojangles - Steep). "I almost slipped getting into Daddy's Hi Lux this morning, the frost was so awful".

We even had frost on Portsea Island, and that's fairly unusual" added Jeremy Balls-Deep (Portsmouth Old Fashioned - Portsmouth).

"The council gritted around our house last night" declared Shane Jenkins (Staunton Dark - Rowlands Castle).
"Goodness!" said a very surprised Tumble-Twatt. "Daddy won't let the council anywhere near our estate. He gets his own men to clear the ice".
"That's extraordinary". Imogen Top-Snobbery (The Posh School - Petersfield) joined the conversation.
Tumble Twatt looked incredulous, "what is?"
"That someone from Rowlands Castle was invited to attend this conference!" exclaimed Top-Snobbery.
"My letter said something about social inclusion" said Jenkins.
"That or simple clerical error" snorted Top-Snobbery.
"Anyway, this isn't cold" said Tumble-Twatt with something of a smug grin. "Last year when we were skiing in Valdisere, the temperature dropped to -10. Mummy had to arrange for a man to warm our ski boots before we could even consider having the servant pull them on".
"It was unseasonably cold in St Moritz last month". Clarence Asquith-Benz (Ditch-It Park) reported. "I understand the temperature didn't get above -14 during our entire stay.
"It was so cold Mummy's Dom Perignon bottles cracked in the Lexus".
"My god, what did you do?" enquired Tumble-Twatt.
"Daddy just bought another one, the Lexus was very nearly six months old anyway and Mummy fancied a change of colour".
"When we New-Yeared on Whistler last year, the temperature dropped to -21" boasted Top-Snobbery.
"We actually lost one of our party".
"By jove, you lost a skier?" enquired Asquith-Benz.

"Oh Lord no. Only a butler; Daddy says it was his own fault for not wearing large enough snow shoes. He only had to carry the tray of drinks a few miles from the chalet.

"Pleased to say disaster was averted with some quick thinking by Mummy."

"Did she get someone to dig him out?" asked Asquith-Benz.

"No, she arranged to borrow a reserve butler from the Lexington-Arswipes who winter on the next slope".

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

TBS Old Boys network

 Lidl accused of being too big 

The Big School (TBS) in Petersfield has taken the highly unusual step of permanently excluding a student within 48 hours of his arrival as a new pupil.

Malawi-born Duke Lidl was told he could not attend lessons as he was older than the age declared on his application form by his parents.

Miss Representation speaking on behalf of the school told us: "This has all been a bit awkward really, starting with having to point out that in the UK he was not allowed to smoke his pipe in the classroom.

"Then we had the issue of him bringing his wife into home technology lessons – and she is not enrolled as a student. I am now led to believe that he would like to bring his grandchildren in to do drama.

"He arrives at school by bus, using an old person's bus pass and has a free lunch delivered for him by Meals on Wheels.

"This cannot go on and we have had to permanently exclude him. Nearly all teachers were in agreement; only our head of PE was against the decision. He had already pencilled Duke in to represent the school at basketball and rugby."

Lidl’s parents are to seek legal advice from a drinking pal of Duke’s in the Square Brewery. The solicitor, who declined to be named, said: “To accuse Duke of this is outrageous. I’ve been going in the same pub as him for about 20 years and can assure you he is not the deceitful kind.”

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Real reason for Ugandan twinning is revealed

This Ugandan Big Issue seller shows more entreprenurial spirit than Petersfield's

Workers from Uganda have been searching for a credible reason to visit Petersfield for years. Now, the realisation that their Queen Elizabeth National Park almost shares its name with our local amenity has provided the perfect excuse.

Other similarities between the two parks can be found in their size, climate and wildlife. Uganda's national park consists of 770 square miles of rich safari parkland populated by African wildlife - lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) - while ours is a hill on which some dogs once got lost.

But the real attractions for our Ugandan visitors are in Petersfield itself. By studying our world-famous approach to urban planning, our legendary Post Office queuing system and our advanced traffic management techniques, the visitors will learn a range of skills they can later introduce to Ugandan society.

One of the visiting Ugandans whose name we, like the Petersfield Proust, didn't risk trying to spell said: "Coming to Petersfield has taught me how you can replace a single traffic warden with a complex system of residents' parking permits, kerbside restrictions and extended Sunday parking charges and still end up no better off. Now I understand the decline of the British Empire."

Other tips the Ugandans might learn include how to hold an election without your country decending into violence and how to avoid sentencing practising homosexuals to death. All useful skills in the 21st century.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Worlds Apart

The helmet that is looking to take over Petersfield
Newswire has received pictures throughout the year from some of its adoring fans, capturing the far-flung places from which they have logged on to catch up on events back in Petersfield.

Some show readers logging on in Ulan Bator, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and even Liverpool, although that reader did latterly have his laptop stolen.

But there was absolutely no contest for our 2010 winner, who managed to log on to the lunar version of our website whilst walking on the moon.

Our congratulations go to a local property developer, who treated himself to a journey into space with some of the profits he has made over the last couple of years.

He said: "It's simple, you take over a pub that isn't doing too well, close it down, if necessary make it into an eyesore and then get planning permission to turn the building into 50 or so flats.

"There is no limit to the amount of profit you can reap this way, providing you don't mind making yourself a little bit unpopular. As they say kids, Infinity and beyond!"

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

‘Bonkers’ award for A3 roundabout

Police say they will have spare signage from the
soon to be safer Hindhead area.

A blue heritage plaque is to be awarded to a roundabout near Petersfield as it is a rare example of ‘bonkers’ 1980s planning.

The Ham Barn roundabout at Greatham – scene of countless A3 accidents - will soon be the only traffic obstacle to motorists between London and Portsmouth.

“This roundabout is a classic example of the muddled thinking of traffic planners of the past,” said Miss Clea Rhodes, chair of the Petersfield and District Pointless Heritage Awards.

She said the award would be handed over as soon as the Hindhead tunnel opened as, at that point, Ham Barn would become even more of a joke than it has been for the past 20 years.

“Not only does this junction create a completely pointless distraction which creeps up on drivers who might reasonably think that a dual carriageway between two major cities should be a clear run, it’s not even round!” added Ms Rhodes.

“It’s a kind of kidney-shaped mess set at an angle with one side lower than the other to cause as much difficulty as possible – especially for high-sided vehicles and, of course, boy racers.

“Best of all, it is only there to provide a back way into Liss past a kebab van and access to a tiny village school at Greatham, which could have been achieved by sliproads – as at every other junction on the A3.”

However, chairman of single interest group Petersfield Tory Businessmen, Matt Tress, said: “The Ham Barn roundabout has made a vital contribution to local businesses throughout its entire life.

“Not only does it allow access to that kebab van, but there are several body repair shops which would have gone bust years ago if it wasn’t for this junction…”