Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Wikileaks reveals Petersfield's ‘Bourbon war’

Nobody is quite sure how the information was leaked

Petersfield councillors came close to declaring war this year, it has been revealed by the Wikileaks organisation.

Hundreds of secret documents have been unveiled on the website, including a particularly nasty exchange over which type of biscuits should be provided for refreshment at council meetings.

The leaks reveal a simmering feud between lovers of Bourbon and enthusiasts of Rich Tea – with one rebel fighting the corner for Custard Creams.

The biscuit battle was finally won by the Rich Tea brigade (mainly because they’re cheaper) but a series of leaked emails show just how close the council came to raised voices.

Among the previously secret documents is an email from Tory councillor Freddie Ponsonby-Ponce saying: “I must declare my support for Rich Tea – to spend taxpayers’ money on a foreign Frog-Eyetie hybrid biscuit like the Bourbon is beyond the pale.”

But fellow Conservative Mrs Hilda Blenkinsop disagreed, as revealed in an email dated June 11. “How could we possibly opt for the Rich Tea?” she wrote. “It is fundamentally a working-class biscuit and, so I am told, is even dunked into tea by some of the uneducated masses. It’s simply not right for Petersfield.”

The solitary campaigner for the Custard Cream was Lib-Dem councillor Mr Arthur Uturn who sent in a video of himself signing a formal pledge in support of his favoured biscuit. However, it is understood he has since switched his vote in favour of the Rich Tea and says he “should have been more careful” before backing the Custard Cream.

“If I had really thought anyone would take any notice of anything I said, obviously I would have thought before I promised councillors the earth…well, a custard cream.”

Other Petersfield revelations on Wikileaks include:

• a series of quotes for a new squeedgy-mop at the Taro Leisure Centre

• a debate on whether to buy screw-in Christmas lights or the traditional bayonet kind for the council’s festive tree

• details of an expenses claim for 57p for a small carton milk for an unspecified purpose

• the fact that Arthur Uturn was referred to as “a bloody idiot” during a viewing of his Custard Cream signing video at a council committee meeting in May

• details of a bugged conversation between a member of one of the town’s leading amateur dramatic groups and a suspected crime boss over the possibility of reducing prices for the 1994 run of Kiss Me Kate to an affordable level

• how a diplomatic incident was narrowly avoided after the deputy mayor accused the mayor of Barentin of ‘smelling of garlic’ during an exchange visit; and

• plans to build an underground coffee bar and charity shop in Butser Hill in case of nuclear war

Monday, November 29, 2010

Tory policy prevents snow in Petersfield claim

The weather has been causing chaos in Petersfield's private schools 

A left-wing political activist from Petersfield has criticised the Government’s weather policy as he feels treacherous snow conditions have been allowed only in non-Tory constituencies.

Len Ingrad, of 5 Yearplan Drive, believes the Government is punishing traditional non-Tory heartlands for their voting history.

He said: “Just look at where the weather has been worst and the areas most badly affected. The north – a Labour heartland; Scotland, traditionally Labour and now Scottish nationalist; and even the south-west, which has a history of Liberal MPs. And that is a slight on the current coalition.

“It’s clear that the old Tory ethos of ‘I’m all right Jack’ still exists. Cameron and his cohorts don’t care who suffers as long as it’s not them and their followers. Why hasn’t there been six inches of snow in Petersfield and Surrey – always strong Tory-supporting areas?

“I think we all know the answer to that… It’s just another case of the Tories feathering their own nest.”

Julian Hindsight, MP for Petersfield, speaking from his position atop a fence, insists Mr Ingrad’s views are wide of the mark, although they are worth listening to.

He said: “On the one hand this man is clearly a fruitcake. On the other, it is advantageous that snow does appear to have fallen in the preferred areas. Out of the mouths of babes and all that…”

Saturday, November 27, 2010

We're not lazy say ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 Newswire writers have denied they're resting on their laurels

A spoof Petersfield news website has been lambasted by its reader for ‘resting on its laurels’ and has been accused of ‘lazy journalism’.

Petersfield Newswire, which has squeezed a tiny bit of humour out of the East Hampshire town of Petersfield for more than a year now, has failed to post a new, hilarious contrived story for more than a week.

And town jeweller Matt Tress, who paid 50p for a three-year subscription to the website, is aghast.

“I’m aghast, “ he said. “I paid 50p for a three-year subscription and they haven’t posted a story this week.”

He also accused the site’s administrators of lazy journalism, claiming they simply regurgitate quotes as reported speech to pad out a story.

He added: “Very often the site’s administrators simply regurgitate quotes as reported speech to pad out a story. I think they are resting on their laurels because they have been mildly successful in the last couple of weeks.”

A spokesman for the site’s owners denied they were resting on laurels and refuted suggestions of lazy journalism.

“We deny we’re resting on our laurels and we refute suggestions of lazy journalism,” said the spokesman.

“For a start we can’t afford laurels and we would never go so far as to suggest the site contained any journalism. We are, however, working to rule following the proposed rise in tuition fees.

“We have an empathy with students and decided to show our support by following their example – not working for a week and drinking cheap cider and eating Pot Noodles. Unfortunately for the media in this country abnormal service will resume soon … when we can be arsed to do something.”

Friday, November 19, 2010

The last maternity unit before Hindhead tunnel...

The creche at the new unit makes good use of the Best Burger Bar's outside catering facilities

The recent closure of the Grange Maternity Centre has forced Petersfield midwife Connie Traction to set up a birthing unit in a lay-by on the A3.

The ‘Best’ birthing unit shares a generator with the Best burger bar and is unique in offering instant coffee and a bacon burger to waiting fathers-to-be.

Traction said: “Fortunately the lay-by we’ve chosen is north of the Ham Barn roundabout. If it had been south of Petersfield there was always a chance people from the area would have refused to use us as they might not want Leigh Park shown as the ‘place of birth’.

“Because of the neighbouring burger bar, we’re never short of boiling water though the towels do tend to smell of fat.

“We’re proving particularly popular with teenage mums who are quite happy to give birth in a car in a lay-by as that’s how most of them conceived – and they’re only too happy to have their placenta served up as a side-dish with the ‘famous Best mushroom burger’, their first post-birth snack.”

A spokesman for the government said: “This is just the kind of entrepreneurial spirit we’re encouraging with David Cameron’s Big Society. And it follows on organically from the Tory ethos espoused by both Norman Tebbit and Iain Duncan Smith: if the maternity unit near you has closed down just get on your bike and find another – only in this case it’s a car.”

East Hampshire District Council is monitoring the situation carefully as, if it proves successful, they may extend the lay-by to enclose a library, a pull-in centre for the elderly and a CAT scanner using discarded all-in-one Canon printers and the headlights from a MkIII Cortina.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Times changed so trains leaf earlier...

No image manipulation was used in this stunning picture ...

Bored with the everyday humdrummery of running a railway, staff at South West Trains (SWT) have been passing the time while waiting for its trains by renaming the seasons.

As this sign at Petersfield Railway Station confirms, we're now in the thick of "Leaf Fall Season" or, as it used to be known, "autumn".

SWT bosses decided to rename Autumn back at the height of barbeque and sunburn season.

As stationmaster Ivor Whistle explained: "Our new name for autumn highlights the evil, untamed, malignant leaves that blight our lives and should be banned. Kill the trees.

"It also distracts attention from our crappy trains that get stuck in leaves a two-year-old could kick their way through."

SWT have now planned future delays well into scrapy windscreen season.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 

A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

William and Kate not to marry in Petersfield

Kate and William's Dukes of Hazzard-themed engagement party did not go off without a hitch

Prince William and Kate Middleton had their hopes of a Petersfield wedding cruely dashed today, just hours after announcing their intention to wed.

The royal couple had planned to hold their main wedding celebrations in central Petersfield, tying the knot in St Peter's Church and then holding a reception outside.

However, despite productive talks with Clarence House over several weeks, local council officials secretly rented out the Square to the owner of Dodgy's Wine Bar for the crucial day.

Meanwhile, Post Office managers in Petersfield say start queuing now for the Royal Wedding special edition stamps. "We love to maintain a long line of tradition," said local Royal Mail manager Dee Livery.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Divine Intervention

Iraqi vicar pleased with welcome
Petersfield Big School (PBS), received a visit from the vicar of Baghdad this week.

Sheik Yajosticks arrived at the school in a large black limosine and on arrival was ushered into the newly refurbished PBS reception suite, complete with bar and massage facilities.

The cleric's welcome was put together by girls from the dance faculty and was a modern take on the dance of the seven veils.

The holy man did preach very briefly to a number of students who were forced into the main hall to listen to him, but it seems likely the primary reason for his visit was to discuss the oil that was struck beneath the school site last year.

It is thought that PBS is trying to forge lucrative links with the Middle East, without drawing unwanted attention to the talks.

If Sheik Yagosticks was not here to see the oil, it would be difficult to explain why he arrived with a hard hat under his arm.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Happy Clampers

Trick or treat
The landlord of the White Hart has experienced an extraordinary turn of fortune since closing down the establishment, with profits soaring to the highest level in the pub's history.

With overheads cut to a minimum, landlord Max Prophet barely has time to count the cash these days as income from his " Petersfield Park and Fine" scheme comes pouring in.

Prophet said: "We all know the High Street can get really clogged up with cars and so we provide an alternative option to those wanting to park near the centre of town.

"We guarantee that if you park at the White Hart, you will not be asked if you want your car washed and you will be safe from old ladies swinging open their car doors.

"Our rates are not the cheapest in town, but we are still attracting many more customers than we ever thought possible, each of them looking for the perfect spot to park.

"We even got our parking supervisor to dress up for Halloween. It's always nice to give something back to the community. Ivan fitted his costume beautifully, and I'm sure he brought smiles to the faces of many people over the weekend as he growled at them asking for their £215 parking fine.

"This has been such a tremendous success; you should see what we have planned for Christmas.”