Wednesday, September 30, 2009

More queuing nonsense...

A solution is on the cards at last for the 'disgraceful' (© Michael Mates MP) queues at Petersfield Post Office.

After complaints that some customers have had to wait for more than 30 minutes and queue outside, a revolutionary plan has been cooked up to keep them fed, watered and informed while they hang around to buy a stamp or two.

A local builder has been employed to knock a hole in the wall of neighbouring pub The George and, if necessary, a further archway into the public library.

"This means Post Office customers can enjoy a pint and burger, or maybe read a book or two while they wait," said George barman Hammy Grey.

"It should make queueing for a passport form almost bearable."

However, some people are never happy.

One passing grump commented: "'Why do all pensioners decide to go to the post office at lunchtime just as the rest of us are trying to get stuff done during our short lunch break? Those dithery old bastards have got all day to collect their bloody pension!"

Newswire tip - If you're a snobby middle-class woman, why not go straight to the front of the queue feigning an interest in the 'foreign exchange' counter - and then just buy your stamps without waiting?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fake conkers are hit

Traditional games of conkers will be able to go ahead at Market Town Junior School - despite a ban by killjoy Health & Safety officers.

Teacher Ben Smug has come up with a brainwave to save the longstanding kids' game from the clutches of political madness.

He has instructed his art class pupils to paint ping-pong balls brown and thread them on string to create 'safe' conkers.

"It's proving very popular - and safe," said Mr Smug. "I'm thinking of putting a few on eBay to raise money for school funds."

However, 10-year-old Wayne McChavitt said: "Actually, they're completely shit."

Monday, September 28, 2009

St Peter's yes; St Michael no...

Plans to re-route the ever extending queue at Petersfield Post Office have met with opposition from retailer Marks & Spencer.

To avoid tailbacks on the A3, proposals have been put forward to move the queue so that it trails past the library and St Peter's Church, down past Foggy's and into St Peter's Rd.

But this has subsequently received a cool welcome from the retailer renowned for its underwear, chocolates and chocolate underwear.

M&S spokesman Julie Dear said: "We understand that snaking the queue across the square and past the public toilets will bring much welcome relief to some of the older people in the queue.

"That said, M&S’s concern is that any further deterioration in the service standards would mean that the queue would interfere with cars trying to get into the car park; and this is not just any old car park, this is an M&S car park."

Friday, September 25, 2009

Crack theory

In a desperate attempt to fleece more money from visitors to the town, pedestrians in Petersfield are to be charged for walking on the cracks in the pavement.

“Our recent changes to the extortionate car parking charges have not generated quite as much cash as we’d like,” said East Hants District Council spokesman Johnny Lightfingers.

“We started charging on Sundays, insist on using machines that don’t give change or take credit cards, and we sneakily set the minimum charge to 90p knowing that most people would have to pay a pound, because who has 90p in change?

“But none of this has worked, we’re still falling short on our budgets – and some sneaky people have started leaving their cars at home and walking into town. Can you believe it?

“So, to make up the shortfall created by the underhandedness of these brazen pedestrian cheats, we’ve decided to hit them where it hurts – in the foot, or thereabouts.”

Lightfingers said he would be creating a crack team of, er, crack inspectors to monitor the central areas of the town, especially in the evenings as those who have imbibed a few drinks are less likely to hop from paving slab to paving slab without touching the cracks.

Haberdasher Matt Tress commented: “Serves them right, those swine who walk past my shop when they could be driving a car up the High Street!”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

EDITORIAL: The ideal man for the job

As Petersfield Town Council's deadline for applications for the post of town crier approaches, Petersfield Newswire has its own suggestion for the role.

One of the potential applicants for the post, a female, has apparently stated that by having her own attire she would save the town money and that she wouldn't want to be paid for carrying out her duties.

John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood can trump that in spades. We know his wardrobe needs are minimal. Who in the Petersfield area has had more practice shouting? And the ace up his sleeve is not just another of his tattoos; he can provide his own bell!

Evidence shows that Westwood likes to weild his bell practically naked, so there would be practically no expense in providing a uniform. That said, an appropriately coloured sash might be in order to cover any embarrassment that might arise on a cold winter’s day.

On the subject of money, Westwood pays to practice his craft at Fratton Park and at football grounds around the world. Such an appointment might raise funds if he agrees to pay for the opportunity to ring his bell and shout loudly in the comfort of his home town.

Petersfield Town Council spokesman, Ivor Twitch, has gone on record as saying: "This role is going to give Petersfield something which is a little bit different."

If that is truly an objective, we should look no further than John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Won't somebody think of the children?

Playgroups throughout East Hampshire have been forced to stop wrapping children in cotton wool – on the orders of Petersfield Health & Safety Police.

"Recent research shows that cotton wool actually contains very high levels of mercury and lead," said Dr Douglas Furr, Professor of Sheep Studies at Brecon University.

"It turns out wearing a cotton-wool protector may be even more dangerous for young children than stroking small, furry animals.

"We would urge all parents to keep their youngsters indoors – preferably in their bedrooms – until they are 23."

No-one from the National Sheep Worriers’ Association was available for comment.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Queue palaver drags on

Stan came prepared for a long wait

Outraged residents are being forced to queue for up to 20 minutes to sign a petition protesting against the long queues in the town’s Post Office.

Local old fella Stan Dardbearer, 85, said: “I’m at a loss to understand why, when they know people will want to sign the petition, they don’t put on more staff to deal with it.

“I started queuing around by the Oxfam shop last Friday, when I went to sign the petition … and it’s now Tuesday.”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.

Monday, September 21, 2009

A disgruntled resident writes . . .

Hugh Jorgan, 93, from Rams Hill, has contacted the Newswire team.
“I hear the council is thinking about moving the statue of William the third.
“Can I suggest it is moved to opposite where the Savoy used to be so I have got something to lean against when I start queuing for the Post Office?”

A new Big Issue for campaigners

Petersfield's less than popular Big Issue seller could be on the move - if campaigners have their way.

The seller, known to shoppers as Mona, regularly entertains visitors to Rams Walk with a high-pitched Eastern European roma song along the lines of "Beeeg Eeeeshu pleeeease".

But she is being targeted by HATE (Homeowners Against The Europeans) who want a local - preferably white, middle-class - homeless person to take the job.

"Charity begins at home," declared Colonel Jeremy Bufton-Tufton (retd), president of HATE.

"If we must have a homeless person begging on our streets, it should be a homeless person who lives in Petersfield.

"The sight of a raggle-taggle, down-at-heel woman sitting at the edge of the Square does not really present the right image to visitors, and her wailing can be quite frightening.

"If a few lefties actually want to support charities like the Big Issue, then we could surely make it available in WH Smith. But if it really does have to be sold on the street, then we should insist the seller's general appearance and, most importantly, their skin tone match the surroundings in a respectable Hampshire market town."

Selina Pert of PYM (Petersfield Yummy Mummies) added her insubstantial weight to the campaign, saying: "Mona's whinging selling style is simply too much to bear when I'm enjoying a skinny latte outside Caffe Nero - she should go. There are plenty of young students who could sell the Big Issue at weekends to help pay for their ski trips."

Petersfield haberdasher Matt Tress said: "I don't care who sells the bloody thing - the big issue as far as I'm concerned is to keep a steady flow of traffic past my shop..."

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sight-line plans hit town square

The popularity of Petersfield’s Big Stage event has led campaigners to call for improved sight-lines by the relocation of the town square.

Organisers of the popular event, which brings at least a dozen new coffee shops into the town every bank holiday, are demanding the statue of William III be taken out of the equation by relocating the Square to Petersfield Heath.

Arthur Freewheeling, chairman of Petersfield Big Stage, said: “We realise there would be opposition from retailers in the town were we to suggest pedestrianising the area around the square so we have come up with a compromise solution.

“If we move the Square, stone by stone, down to the Heath, there will be no problems with sight-lines when we erect a stage and the area around where the square once stood can be utilised as a car park, as it is currently every Sunday.

“This will delight some of the retailers in town who will be able to have huge juggernauts deliver their envelopes of stock every day.”

Haberdasher Matt Tress has applauded the idea.

He said: “It’s great to see campaigners campaigning for a worthwhile campaign. I want big lorries and plenty of them. Obviously we won’t have any customers because they’ll all be down at the Heath. But it may well drive down the cost of a skinny latte in town.”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.

And now for something completely different

Welcome to the Petersfield Newswire the place to visit if you don't really want to find out what's happening - and prefer our take on it instead...

We'll endeavour to provide you with a not very truthful and irreverent take on what's happening in Petersfield, a small market town in east Hampshire.

Very few of the people featured in these news items actually exist. And very few news stories have any basis in fact. But stranger things have happened...

NB: there are actually two real newspapers covering Petersfield if that's what you really want: The Post and The Herald.